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I'm so very sorry that seeing Dawn wearing a bikini today caused you so much harm. It was dreadful of her to choose to leave her apartment and exercise in the pool you share there at the complex. Clearly, she should be working to get healthier somewhere that nobody has to see her. Maybe a supply closet, or better yet, a coffin.

(I'm going to pause here, give you a minute to come up with a sarcastic comment about her needing two coffins, or a coffin so big she needs a semi instead of hearse, etc. That’d be super funny, wouldn’t it?)

Darling Asshole, I think it’s safe to say that we all agree that being fat is a personal failing in every way, and only the worst of human beings would allow themselves to get fat. It’s certainly not your fault that your retinas were literally burned by the blinding, offensive white of a overweight stomach. It’s HER fault.

That fat bitch should have to fix things, shouldn’t she?

Good news! It’s your lucky day, because Dawn is a nurse, which means that if you showed up at her hospital, she’d treat you with professionalism and courtesy. She’d keep you alive, and she’d do it even though she’s fat. (What’s that, you say? You didn’t realize that fat people ever did anything aside from eating? I know, I was shocked too! I thought they just sat around all day shoving ice cream in their mouths. Here’s the crazy part, not only does Dawn work at a hospital, she’s going to college to become an even better nurse! Seriously. She works AND goes to school at the same time. OMG. Who knew that fat people could have a work ethic or the ability to learn!)

Anyway, given the clear and present danger she represents to you and your friends, I thought it was my duty as a decent human being to offer you more insight into Dawn’s situation. You can take these insights and use them to find even better ways of mocking her, assuming the shameless bitch continues to exercise in public.

1) She gained most of her weight when she had to start using steroids heavily to combat her asthma. Steroids that literally kept her alive. You know, because oxygen.

(Suggested taunt: “Hey stupid fat bitch! You’re a waste of good oxygen!”)

2) She’s had asthma for a long time, but it didn’t get really bad until after she had the H1N1 flu, which caused serious and permanent damage to her lungs.

(Suggested taunt: “Hey fat bitch! Only pussies nearly die from the flu!)

3) She caught the flu because she was working in the ICU, which was full of people with the worst cases of H1N1. One of her patients died from it.

(Suggested taunt: “Hey fat bitch! Did he die because you sat on him?”)

4) She moved into your shared apartment complex last year because her house had water damage from that crazy weather of yours down in Florida. The water damage led to mold and rot, which made her asthma even worse, which meant she had to up her steroid dosage to survive. Once she moved, she was able to go off them almost entirely and started losing weight immediately.

(Suggested taunt: “Hey fat bitch! You suck so bad that even your house tried to kill you!”)

5) She swims in your pool for exercise because she has bad knees. (Now, I’ll bet you’re thinking it’s from the fat… omg, it is SO MUCH funnier than that, believe me!) Part of the reason she has bad knees is that her bones started to deteriorate from all those steroids. Yup, in one of her legs, a big chunk of the bone is actually DYING AS A SIDE EFFECT of the treatment of her lung damage, sustained when she chose to nurse people dying from influenza (too funny!). But she’s just committed to breathing, seems to think it’s better than dying, which is crazy because she should hate herself enough to commit suicide, amiright? (I mean, you would if you got fat. Because seriously, there’s no reason to exist if you’re fat. Period. Ever. And you would never get there, because you’re not lazy and sitting around eating ice cream all day, like she is.)

(Suggested taunt: “Hey steroid girl! You’re so disgusting that even your own bones want to get away!”)

6) She bought that bikini to celebrate the fact that she’s lost more than 100 pounds. Right now she weighs 281, which you’d think is the worse possible thing a person could be. But get this – her bathroom scale doesn’t weigh past 360 pounds, and she’d lost some of the weight before she hit 360, so whatever she lost, it was more than 100 pounds. All through diet and exercise.

(Suggested taunt: “Fat bitch! You don’t deserve to celebrate losing a hundred pounds, because you’ll probably just gain it all back because you’re so fucking lazy.”)

7) This doesn’t have anything to do with the fat, but she’s also a cancer survivor. Yup. Five years cancer free.

(Suggested taunt: “Cancer is funny!”)

So, Asshole, as you can see, her situation is slightly more complicated than you could’ve known when you walked past her. A lesser man would’ve realized that and kept his mouth shut, perhaps feeling like it wasn’t his place to judge someone exercising in the pool you share. Thank God you were there instead of that lesser man, because you have the narrow, judgmental vision needed to make fun of a fat person who exists in public.

In conclusion, I’m sorry my friend hurt you, Asshole. I’m sorry you saw her and that it rendered you blind. In fact, I’m so sorry that when I finish writing this, I’m going to offer a small prayer of thanks that you weren’t struck speechless when you lost your sight. I wish I could do something to protect you from having this happen in the future, but sadly I think the danger will continue. You see, when I spoke to her, she was defiant and proud. Despite your helpful comments, she’s worked way too hard to lose those 100+ pounds to stop exercising now. And apparently she’s going to keep that bikini, too. (God, what a BITCH.) She even says she’s happier right now than she’s ever been in her life, and I can guarantee that if you come back she’ll give you a big smile, because that’s the kind of crazy person she is.

Friendly to everyone, even assholes like yourself.

Please, Asshole. Please . . . for your own good . . . stop leaving the apartment. There’s dangerously fat people everywhere, and all of them have planned their entire lives around hurting you, personally. You’d do far better to stay at home and eat ice cream while watching TV. (You know, like you think she should be doing.) Oh, and I forgot! I need to thank you for choosing to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem this morning. Just think how wonderful (and thin!) our world would be if every human shared your complete lack of empathy and compassion.

Hell, just the thought of you brings a tear to my eye, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel good. Take care of yourself and know—deep down inside—if you show up at the hospital and you have her as your nurse, she’ll recognize you. Then she’ll heal you, despite the fact that you made fun of her. Why?

Because she’s a motherfucking hero.


Joanna Wylde

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